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jewelry making and karaoke

last night i went to karaoke with some coworkers. it was a lot of fun. the two girls i hang out with a lot. the guy who came is cute and nice but i was determined to not be STUPID. so i resolved to not care how i looked or even how i sang. and that worked out ok, because i had more fun that way.
today i am going to a jewelry making class. it's an old hobby i'm out of practice on, and today we'll use a blow torch, so i'll definitely learn *new* skills. it starts at ten. i have been up since 5. i feel like a kid on christmas. happily anxious.
i also accidentally rsvp'd for a lake/hike/get together tomorrow morning in kennesaw. i was going to change my response to 'no' but i'm thinking maybe i'll go. i want to be up that way anyway tomorrow in lieu of church. this pantheist philosophy is so far much more rewarding than the rigid rules and confines of christianity. LOVE. is pure.
there was more but i forget.
-the lenses from the other night were corrected for astigmatism, and from past experience i get migraines when they are, so my head has hurt the last few days. i got them fixed last night :)
-i am thinking i might move to kennesaw and take some non-degree seeking classes at my alma mater, gis classes my advisor suggested i take but i didn't and now regret that, if for no other reason than that they are my passion. seems like a good reason.

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I am sitting here waiting for new eyeglasses... expenses all tend to pile on at once. I know at some point I need radiator service, and I am moving. Where, I don't yet know.
A superfluous expense when I have the money will be my high school class ring- supposedly you can upgrade/exchange it for free/the difference, and I have an idea in mind. Solidly next May, at least.
I am getting rid of my old roller blades. They were a gift from an ex-boyfriend, the last vestige of a painful time. Soon to be gone. Purge and purge.
The 20s are great for that. Coming to terms with all that has happened, deciding what's important, and moving forward.

Posted via LiveJournal app for iPhone.

Love is a Crazy, Stupid Thing

How long do you wait? How many promises are broken and forgiven? I'm not sure why but the man to whom I am referring is the very same man who was once a boy I wrote about on my other (long since purged and burned) journal over a decade ago. I keep holding on and I'm not even sure why. We met at summer camp, and he's had my heart ever since. Initially I had a huge crush on him, even did the craziest thing ever and drew wedding dresses and things- before I met him, I never gave it a second thought (and he is the only man for whom I have ever felt like this). On announcement that the feeling was not mutual (and since clarified that- it was- but it wasn't- because of distance, which doesn't clarify a damned thing), it developed into a friendship, a deep friendship. He is someone I trust my life to, someone who knows my deepest secrets, dreams, and aspirations. I dated someone else for 6 years- someone, who, notably, was born 4 days before him and had some qualities in common with him. Long and painful rebound, for sure. Waited up for him to call, talked late into the night. Have had in-depth conversations. Someone who is my best friend, who has said to me that we marry our best friends and has talked about when we retire. Someone who does not work in law but wants to, and also wants to move to Virginia. Someone I have seen myself raising a family with (even more stunning than the marriage bit). Someone who is always there for me- at arm's length, anyway. And yet, he'll say he's coming to visit- never does, says he'll call, forgets (and then remembers and goes through strange routine periods of calling regularly). Life isn't a movie, it's not a television show.
But my relationship status is complicated. Because I am not over him. Because I don't know if I will ever be over him. Because when he tells me he's going out and maybe he'll meet his dream girl, I can't help but know that whenever that happens, my heart will break; it will shatter into a million little pieces. And our friendship will change forever.
You know, I have a crush on someone else now, someone who I see regularly and all, who likes one of my friends. She and I talked about this lifelong love of mine once, she wants it to work out like in the movies. Hopeful romantic. I can't help but try to be realistic. But I also know that this new crush, this guy I haven't known but a few months, is just a crush, just attraction, nothing more. And this other man, well, I keep waiting.
It should also be noted that he is from a military family, so they moved a lot. A LOT. Making my 6 moves before age 7 look stable. So I know he's had a lot of flux in his life, people come and go, and I know what that's like. But for some crazy reason, I will never leave his side. Metaphorically.


I just signed up for Meetup.com. So far I've joined a jewelry making group and am waiting to hear back from a hiking group. Ahh, this is so nice. Maybe I'll meet some like-minded people. Seems like it would be easy, but it's been hard.
This morning, after a lengthy Facebook discussion regarding Truett Cathy's recent homophobic statements, I decided I wasn't going to go to a normal church today. I was going to go to the only place I've ever found God- in nature.
At 6 AM I got in the car and headed north for Kennesaw Mountain. I got there by 7 and started to climb. There weren't many people at first, but slowly the crowd got heavier. I found myself between two deer eating breakfast, and neither were spooked by my presence. Friendly hellos were said in passing to other trailgoers and I felt a little guilty substituting this for church, asking myself whether or not I would miss communion (a big deal for a recovering Catholic). The sneaky little transcendentalist in me reminded me that I was there in communion with all the other people who had came, and also with all of Creation.
I found myself feeling able again, capable, strong, refreshed and renewed, physically and spiritually. Just past the peak, a little spot on the trail reminded me of home- and when I say home, I mean being young, hiking and climbing and going to historical sites with my parents. At the time we lived in Virginia, and sometimes I miss it, but I reminded myself that in this case, home is not a specific place.
I took beautiful photos of breathtaking landscapes, and when I finished my climb, I decided to head further north still. Driving down the road with my windows rolled down listening to country music, I felt alive. More alive than I have in years. I drove and drove and drove until I hit Tennessee, and headed back, listening to Simon and Garfunkel and Andes Cosmos.
I may not be traditional, but I don't need to fit into someone else's idea of human. This- this- makes me human. I am kind to people and animals. I believe in Love, in Nature and the Stars.

Feels Like West Virginia

Today was interesting. I went up to a coworker friend's house to watch Dr. Who and on the way there I listened to a mixed CD made as a gift by my 12th grade AP English teacher, a CD he called "Songs That Tell Stories". It's a lot of folk and protest music. I like it, and I've listened to it so much that more than one song doesn't fully play on it.
Well, we watched some Dr. Who and Torchwood, and dusk fell and it was time for me to go home. Some of the episodes reminded me of my brief forays into non-Christian animistic beliefs, and so when I stepped outside, the air felt colder and there was something mystical to it. I do believe in an energy-spirit that surrounds us. My coworker happens to live in suburbia outside the city, and I live right at the city limits, so she's out there and nature is felt more readily.
I had to stop at a gas station on the way back because I was running on empty, and I decided to pop in for a bite too. It occured to me that when I was very young, there was a test to see if your child was developing properly emotionally and all. Two of the questions were 1) What do you do when you are hungry? and 2) What do you do when you are tired? The correct responses are you eat and you sleep. My responses were you go to a restaurant and a hotel. Inside the gas station I was reminded of 2009 when I took lengthy road trips with coworkers in Alabama. We'd wind up anywhere, and once we wound up in West Virginia; the road is my home. I think maybe it always will be. I cannot imagine a stationary life, and to be sure, however I was raised did not equip me to live in normal society. Theatrical historical reenactments, maybe. Kindness to everyone, sure. Life as it is does not often make a lot of sense. The road is my home. A guy walked into the Quiktrip. He was wearing a shirt with the state of Kentucky on it. He was attractive, and I did stare for a moment at his shirt. I really wanted to ask what part of Kentucky- it's a lovely state- but didn't.
A deep-rooted part of me wants to be in nature again. It ameliorates life. It's as though it takes all the toxin out of life. I think maybe I will tomorrow too, it's a Sunday and it's the closest I feel to God. No idea where though. A part of me just wants to drive- which is where my car got its name- "Solace". I used to drive to clear my head in college, particularly in 2007 which was a rough year. I need that again.
I feel like eventually I am meant to end up in Virginia again. It was "home" if any place can be that. Not any time soon, probably, but at some point.
Then also I was listening to the CD on the way home and remembering a guy from AP English. He was only a friend, but he had been a friend since we were 10. He lives in Vancouver, Canada now. I admire him, still. None of the men I have liked have been good, honorable men like him. True, he's done his share of less than noteworthy things, but I guess I admire him for our common upbringing. I wish I could explain it, I really do.

It's 8:12 on a Saturday Morning

To sum everything up would take too long, and maybe I should just give a brief introduction that doesn't delve too deeply into my life or what's on my mind. Don't want to drive people away.
At the same time, I think you can handle it. I'll only write the most recent thoughts, you don't need a rundown of my life.
My most recent thoughts are of prayer and humanity. I have been struggling to understand prayer because I have been struggling to pray. Earnestly. It's one thing to ask, ask, ask, into an empty vast (void?) space. Prayer is something different entirely. I am trying to figure out how and why religion means so much to so many.
I am also trying to figure out what makes people human. Some of my friends love puppies, and honestly, I can't get myself to feel any which way about them. Things that make people passionate- and to be sure, I am very passionate, ideologically- but basic, everyday things elude me. Other examples include the television show Survivor (or any TV, really), and marriage and kids. I am struggling to understand their place in life, anyone's life, because I think that would help me discover what's important in mine.
To be sure, one thing that absolutely cannot be beat for me is random, spontaneous road trips. Preferably into some part of Appalachia, but it honestly does not matter. Last week a friend and I randomly drove all around Atlanta, into the forgotten little crevices and I had a blast.